Infantilizing the Industry
Something I think about often is how I’ve experienced aging working in and around the hospitality industry. I used to carry this assumption that I was still too young to make my mark, too inexperienced, too green, then one day last year I realized that I was in my mid-30’s, very capable, credentialed, and an experienced and seasoned expert—and I had been for years but didn’t see or embrace it. It’s something I continue to unpack and think about because the change in perspective happened in an instant. It was a harsh realization because it felt like I had lost years of potential impact on my community as well as self-realization.
What is it that made me feel that way? That I was too young even though I wasn’t? It’s in part the result of something called infantilization, which is when someone who is capable, mature, and experienced is treated as though they are not—specifically treated like a child. This is a term I learned in therapy over a decade ago when my therapist asked why I chose to refer to myself as a “girl” rather than a “woman” even though I was very clearly no longer a child. Since then, I started to see it everywhere: not just how women are treated and internalize that infantilization, but also the elderly, people who are visibly disabled, and individuals who are not native English speakers. When I eventually studied to be a therapist, I also saw this in families, for example, when a teen is still treated like they’re much younger.
to infantilize means to treat an adult like a child, even though nothing about their mental, physical, social, or intellectual well-being requires such treatment
Why do we infantilize each other? Well, it’s about power and control. The mom who doesn’t want their “baby” to grow up and not need her will continue to baby their teenager. Oppressive social systems that grant power to some and disempower everyone else play a large role in this: if people are child-like, why should they have a say in anything? Why should they have autonomy? They can’t possibly self-actualize if they’re not capable of being a full-grown, autonomous adult, right? Someone can’t change those systems if they’re not even a capable adult, so why should we even listen to them?
Infantilization is in line with gaslighting in the sense that it makes someone question their reality, and there are certainly detrimental long-term effects. People who are infantilized might not trust their own judgement and decision-making, they might struggle with confidence, they might be hesitant to take risks or steps that support their own personal growth. They might grow frustrated, feel trapped, and depressed, but not necessarily know why. It’s hard for an infantilized person to act with autonomy and reach their full potential, so we often see some emotional and social stunting.
It’s also challenging to address because so much of that is also internalized. Sadly, the internalization of one’s own oppression is very common in a multitude of ways, and infantilization is no different. We might see this, for example, in how we are waiting to try something new because we need permission but there isn’t really anyone to grant that permission, or we feel insecure making decisions for ourselves in ways that might buck the status quo even when we know it’s the right thing for us.
Even when the infantilization isn’t internalized, gosh, it’s rough. Knowing you’re capable and very able while you’re consistently treated as though you aren’t is brutal and cruel. It strips people of their voice and it halts growth and progress for not only individuals, but organizations, communities, and society at large. It’s a surefire way to block diversity of all kinds in groups and spaces as well.
So, let’s talk about the workplace. Infantilization can also happen based on your role within a specific organizational structure or grouping. I’m recalling a moment when I saw a general manager point to a barback and said, “you have to listen to me because I’m older than you,” but the barback was quick to point out he was actually older—and by quite a few years. Lots to unpack with that one, but it’s a clear example of using age as a perceived inherent right to power while actively infantilizing someone based on their place in an arbitrary hierarchy. It’s important to remember and challenge the notion that someone in a management or leadership positions isn’t necessarily older than the rest of their team, and someone working in a frontline positions isn’t necessarily there because they’re inexperience or incapable.
We do this a lot in the hospitality industry. I mean, look at the archetype of an angry, abusive chef screaming at people in the workplace. What is that?! And why do we tolerate it? Celebrate it, even? Parents yell at their kids (which also isn’t great, but we’re talking acceptable and familiar patterns here)—it is never appropriate for an adult to yell at another adult. Full stop. When we do, it’s to make the other person feel small, and if that person is made to believe they deserve it, they’ll take it.
This happens in bars a lot too. For example: when bar managers are referred to as “Bar Mom” by their team, it’s connecting role to age to hierarchy thus infantilizing the bar team. Managers calling themselves babysitters. This plays into the problematic and manipulative use of “family” in the workplace. And consider this: we act how we’re treated, so if we’re treated like children, we act like children…and that’s messy. I recall a job transition when I went from bar manager to a bartender (I needed a break), but once I made the shift I was treated like an inexperienced, untrustworthy, child—even though I clearly wasn’t—and I found myself searching out ways to break the rules and actually misbehaving. Like, I felt myself regress.
This starts a gnarly cycle of role adherence and behavior in the organizational structures of this industry. Why give frontline & hourly workers more responsibility/pay/autonomy/input if they just act like children? But then they’re treated like children, which confirms the role and behavior, and the cycle goes on and on. So, who is going to break the cycle? Who does that responsibility belong to?
It’s even tougher when the professional community at large plays into the dynamic and rewards it. We see this in conferences, networking events, retreats, and professional organizations as well as dynamics between brand folks and bartenders, the guests and their attitudes and opinions about the hospitality workforce—so it’s not just within the restaurant or hospitality structure, but everywhere in between as well.
Well, the first step is just being made aware of it and seeing it—it’s kind of like how Neo starts seeing the code in the Matrix. You’ll see if everywhere. You’ll see it in how you talk to yourself and others, biases you might hold, decisions that you’re making…it’s everywhere and totally steeped into the culture of this industry.
Next, catch yourself before you participate in it and promote it. Challenge your thinking when you assume someone’s age based on their role, then challenge how you might attach assumptions about their capabilities. Speak up when you’re being infantilized, “I’m a capable, grown person and require to be treated as such”) and apologize and own when you’ve done it to someone else. Advocate for others when you’re in a position of power, and practice defaulting to treating people as the fully realized, autonomous human beings they are.
Finally, we must hold ourselves, our leaders, and professional community organizers accountable when designing programming, organizational systems, and communication. Do that deep, introspective work about how you see age and power. Talk with colleagues and your team about it often, collect feedback, and ask for input.
Because imagine what the hospitality sector would look like if we didn’t constantly regard ourselves as slightly more responsible than children but not totally adults? What would that mean for how we innovate and contribute? For our financial well-being? Organizational health?
How would your relationship with yourself and your work change?
